my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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