i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
