garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
