You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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