I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
