Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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