R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
