your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
