This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
