I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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