I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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