I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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