I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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