my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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