I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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