There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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