How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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