I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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