allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
