pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
