i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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