I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
