Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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