The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
