I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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