I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
