Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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