i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
