Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
