i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
