Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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