Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
