3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
