so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
