In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
