well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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