my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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