Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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