I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
