I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
