did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
