Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
