I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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