I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sorry about my life...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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