All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
