That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
