I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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