I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Everclear isn't food dammit
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
