70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
