i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
