Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
